Reasons Your Relationship is Falling Apart

lorry

I hope you’ll excuse the pointed title, and I sincerely hope your relationship is not falling apart, but if you have ever found yourself in dire straits in a relationship (as we all do), chances are that the trouble can be traced back to one or a few of these issues. If your relationship is all rainbows and sunshine dust, fantastic—this list will just be some good food for thought.

我由衷希望读者能够原谅这唐突的标题，也希望你们的感情并未破裂，但如果属于你的这段关系正处于困境（我们所有人都会经历），你仍然可以抓住机会追溯其中的一个或数个同类问题来解决麻烦。可如果你的感情一片光明美好，妙极了---这些建议还能给你补充思想的能量。

You’re not listening

你没有用心听

I’m not talking about you being glued to the TV while your partner is pouring his/her heart out. If that’s the case, it should be pretty obvious there is a problem.

我并不是说当你的伴侣在诉说衷肠时，你却一头扎进电视里。如果真是这样，那问题就再明显不过了。

Many of us believe we are listening when what we’re actually doing is anxiously and impatiently waiting for our turn to speak. When we “listen” from this perspective, we are not truly listening: we are resisting the anger, despair, anxiety, fear etc. inside of us.

当我们正在焦虑又不耐烦地等发言机会时，大多数人都一口咬定自己正在倾听。若我们持续这个状态，那我们就并非真正地在倾听：只是在拒绝内心的愤怒、焦躁、恐惧等等。

True listening requires awareness of what is going on inside. Only when we are conscious of our inner-workings can we truly hear another person.

真正的倾听包括懂得内心所发生的一切。只有当我们了解了内心所想后，才能听见他人的声音。

The next time you find yourself listening to your partner, whether in an argument or otherwise, see if you can notice what you’re feeling and thinking in response without having to speak immediately. See if you can allow your significant other to really be heard. Then, accept what’s going on inside you, no matter what the thought or emotion. From there you can speak with rational and relative calm, which brings me to my next point.

无论是争吵还是其他事情，当下回你发现自己在倾听对方的时候，问自己是否察觉到了自己的所想所感，而不要急着去争辩。看自己是否真的能听见另一半的心声。然后，无论是出自怎样的想法和情绪，都要接受内心的自我。这样一来你就可以相对理性地回答对方，接着就是我给读者的下一个建议。

You’re not speaking up

你没有大声说出来

Many of us carry around little hurts and grudges all our lives. Often, we believe that acknowledging the pain is generally more trouble than it’s worth, and while it may seem like that in the moment, over the years those little indignities pile on top of each other and morph into a mound of resentment. And that is dangerous.

很多人一生中都会背负着伤害和怨恨过活。通常，我们都相信承认痛苦其实比痛苦本身更让人难受，然而伤害日久弥新，年复一年地，曾经对方的侮辱和伤害会堆积成深刻的怨恨。那样就危险了。

Perhaps there’s something that really bothers you about your partner. Why aren't you saying anything? Are you afraid they’ll get upset? So what if they do? Maybe they’ll throw a tantrum. Maybe they’ll apologize. Who knows? Would you rather try to deal with it constructively now, or bury it and wait for it to explode out of you in a fit of rage? Let it be a learning process regardless of the outcome. You will thank yourself down the road.

也许对方真的做了激怒你的事。可为什么你不说出来呢？是怕让他们失望吗？还是怕他们会做出格的事？他们可能会大发雷霆，也可能会向你道歉。谁知道呢？你是打算积极地处理这个问题，还是让问题深埋心底直到让愤怒彻底爆发出来？无论结果如何，都要让它成为学习的过程。这样你将会在学习的过程中感谢自己。

As with listening, look inward. Accept what is there. If there is something that needs to be said, then say it. Understand that this does not mean verbally attack the other person. Calmly state what you’re experiencing in the moment, and don’t let it devolve into accusations, which takes us to number 3.

一边倾听，一边审视自我。接受真实的自己。如果有需要说出来的话，就说出来。要明白说实话并不意味着对对方进行语言攻击。心平气和地表达你当时的体会，不要演变成指责，接着我们看第三条建议。

You’re playing the blame game

你在玩责备游戏

We often think, “if only he/she were this way, everything would be fine.” When we think this way, we are imposing an impossible ideal on our partners and we are avoiding the issue at hand: what is going on inside of us, the individual; the one who casts blame.

我们时常会想，“如果他/她这样做的话，一切都会好的。”当我们以这种方式考虑问题时，其实是在异想天开地把自己的思想强加给对方，并且还在逃避眼前的问题：我们指责时，个人内心发生了什么？

Remember, your significant other is not you. They are a complex being with their own thoughts, insecurities, dreams, and fears… just like you. Do not be so quick to eschew responsibility.

记住，你的另一半并不是你。他们很复杂，跟你一样有自己的想法，有自己的不安，有自己的理想，有自己的恐惧......你不要这么快就放弃那份责任。

When you start to blame mentally or verbally, ask yourself if you are avoiding responsibility. Ask yourself if you are being unreasonable. Be honest. Then, if neither of these gels, don’t be afraid to speak up, and then be prepared to listen. Then, you’re on your way to constructive conversation, unless you fall into the next category.

当你准备在精神或语言上进行责备时，诚实面对自我，问问自己是否在逃避责任，是否在无理取闹。如果，两者都不是的话，就勇敢地说出来，然后做好倾听的准备。接下来就是用你独具建设性的方式开始对话，除非你陷入了下面的泥淖里。

You won’t compromise

你不愿妥协

This usually occurs in a relationship wherein one or both parties always think they are right. “My way or the highway” won’t fly in a relationship these days (not that it ever really did).

当双方都认为自己是对的，通常就会发生这种情况。现在“我行我素”在感情中已经不适用了（也从来没有发挥过作用）。

If you believe you are always right, then you never allow for someone else’s opinion or perspective to enter your mind. You label it preposterous before taking the time to examine it. As such, learning to compromise is a direct result of true listening, speaking, and side-stepping the blame game.

如果你坚信自己永远是正确的，那你就不可能让别人的意见或观点进入你的思想。因为还没有经过思考，你就已经给它贴上了荒谬的标签。如此一来，学会妥协是真正倾听、表达内心和避免指责游戏的直接结果。

When we learn to listen and speak without fear, then we can develop a real understanding of our own needs as well as the needs of our partner. What follows is mutually beneficial compromise. We learn to live with or without some things for the sake of our relationship, and our partners learn to do the same. In turn, both people feel loved and valued.

当我们懂得了倾听和无所畏惧地表达，那我们就可以建立真正所需要的理解，正如我们的伴侣所需要的一样。妥协的结果只会得益于双方。为了感情着想，我们学会了有所放弃，有所保留，而我们的另一半同样也在学习。如此，双方都会感到被爱和自我价值。

Listening, speaking, not blaming, compromising; sounds easy, right? So why don’t we just DO these things? The answer rests with number five.

倾听，表达，宽恕，妥协；听起来容易，对吧？那为什么不付诸行动呢？答案在第五条中揭晓。

You’re not present

你不存在

Once again, I do not mean physically. This is the line that ties all of the prior items together. Presence is complete awareness, or consciousness—if you do not find at least some amount of presence, it is impossible to listen, speak, compromise, and avoid the blame game.

再次说明我并不是指物理上的不存在。此处将前面的几点都联系在一起了。存在是一种透彻的感知和意识---如果你找不到一丁点的存在，那就不可能去倾听，表达，妥协或避免指责游戏。

You may have noticed that the suggestions for dealing with each point thus far have been to look inward, see, and accept. THAT is presence: learning how to be with yourself, see the cogs turning, embrace what’s there, and thereby put space around destructive thought and feeling.

也许你已经发现了每条处理问题的建议都是先审视内心，仔细洞察然后再接受。那就是存在：你看得见齿轮的转动，会拥抱周围的事物，能给糟糕的想法和情绪留点余地。

The idea is that you must first attend to yourself before you can effectively communicate with or help another person. When we learn to cultivate awareness, we are laying the groundwork to deal with all of the aforementioned issues. Not only that, but difficulties in a relationship can be a gold-mine for this type of work.

最好的办法就是你必须先要了解自己，然后才能有效地跟别人交流或帮助别人。当我们学会了培养意识，就是在为处理上述问题打基础。不仅如此，每段感情中的困难还是我们在解决此类问题的金矿。

One of the best ways to practice being present is meditation. I recommend it to all, however, if you’re not interested in that, or it’s not possible for you, this can be as simple as a few or multiple “breath check-ins” a day. All you need to do is sit quietly for as long as you desire. See if you can put all of your attention on the breath, and see what arises. Don’t judge or resist your inner-workings. Simply accept. Practice this a few times a day, and it will start to become a great habit. This way, when you are in the thick of some painful experience with your significant other, you can access that presence and listen without judgment or impatience, speak with clarity, disperse the urge to blame, and learn to compromise.